Warning: You May Find this to Be Depressing

I wish I could write about some funny things that have happened recently, but not a lot of funny things are happening. The last month or so has been difficult, to say the least. Sometimes I hesitate to write about my struggles or difficult moments, because my prideful heart thinks there is an image to maintain. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I have to be perfect and always funny. The truth is though, I am neither of those things, and writing is somewhat therapeutic for me. I have decided it really is ok for people who care about me to know where I'm at and how I'm doing. So, with that said, I will tell you these things.

In July I spent a week in Missouri, mostly at the hospital, with my grandma, who is dying. It feels strange to even type those words, but it is true. It started with pneumonia and while the pneumonia is gone, it has left her body weak and depleted, beyond a point of recovery. She is at home now, with hospice care, and my mom is there with her, helping to care for her. For the most part, she is still my grandma in thought and speech--sharp and wise and funny--but she is now almost completely inactive and spends most of her days sitting in a recliner. Some days it is hard for me to comprehend that she is slowly dying, and other days, the reality of it comes rushing into my heart more quickly and forcefully than I can deal with. It is a strange place to find yourself in when you want more than anything for someone to be at peace and in heaven with Jesus, while simultaneously longing for more days to spend with them.

I find that I am making it through most days without dwelling on my grandma's condition, but true to form, if I'm not dwelling on the heaviness of that situation, I am dwelling on something else that has been plaguing me for a while now.

I thought that by the time I was 31 years old (uggh...31), I would have a better life plan, but so far, I find myself questioning, on almost a daily basis, where my life is going, and if it is anywhere close to on course. Most days, I like my job. There are difficult moments to be sure, but overall it is a pretty good job. I do not however see myself doing this long term, maybe for a couple more years at the most. Which leads me to, well, what then? If not this, then what?

The truth is, that I am growing weary of dealing with other people's problems. That probably sounds really terrible, but it's the truth. And the worst part of it is, I have a feeling that somehow I will never escape this, that on some level, people will always come to me with their problems.

Some days I even think that I don't want to be involved in ministry anymore. But I'm not sure I can turn it off. Truthfully, even when I am not faithful, I still find myself involved in ministering to others and being used by the Lord, even when I could care less if I'm being used of not.

And then there are these nagging desires that I have, desires that I know will never be fulfilled as long as I continue in the job that I have now. I admit, they are eternally insignificant and perhaps simply selfish, but they are nevertheless, very real. I want to have my own house someday and I really want to have a dog. Currently, my job is an in residence only kind of job, and we are not allowed to have pets.

I suppose these desires may change, but for now, I'm clinging to them pretty tightly. Some days I feel like they are the only desires I haven't already given up on.