Love Lost

I never thought this would happen, and I wish I didn't feel this way. It has taken me a few weeks to truly diagnose the problem, but here it is: I've fallen out of love with the local church. I know, it's awful. I don't like it, but that's how I feel. I have become very disillusioned.

I used to believe lots of things about the church, all good. But now, my vision is clouded with all the crap I've personally seen and been hurt by.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't write about any of this, but you know what, I just don't care anymore.

I used to wonder how people, even ministers, could just walk away from the church, and never look back, but now I think I understand, at least in part. I never understood before what people really meant when they said things like, "Oh, I love Jesus, I just don't like the church.", but now I do.

How does it come to this? Where did the disillusionment begin?

For me it began with people who I thought I could trust, and it ended with people who seemingly just wanted what was best for them.

I'm sure lots of people think I left my last church just because the pastor left, or maybe even simply because I got a new job, but the truth is I left because it had become a place that I didn't want to be anymore, with people in leadership roles seemingly seeking themselves instead of God. I left because I realized that while people liked me, I wasn't really respected as a minister of God. People wanted me there to fill whatever role they needed me to, except the role of God-seeker, advice-giver. I think that while I was called to all of those "tasks" or "roles" for those times, I also think that really I was supposed to be a leader, one who sought the Lord and who people sought out as a God-seeker, but they wouldn't let me be that, didn't want me to be that, unless it suited their plans and purposes. When my interpretation of God's best didn't fit with theirs (I'm talking about the people in positions of power, not most other people), I became the trouble maker, and the one who couldn't get along with anyone. They fell out of love with me, and I fell out of love with them.

Part of me wants to scream, "This isn't fair!". Why does standing up for what you believe to be right have to be so hard? It's taken so much from me--my home, a job I used to love, proximity to friends, even relationships.

I left that church without saying any of this. I just walked away, tried to put on a good face and make everyone believe that everything was really ok. But it wasn't.

And now I find myself visiting churches and doubting the sincerity. I don't trust anyone. I don't even want to go to church most of the time. And that makes me sad.

I'm not sure anyone tells the whole truth about anything anymore, especially in the church, and I don't think that's what the church is supposed to be.

I should have said all of this (and more) then, but I wanted to maintain my reputation and a hope that things would turn out ok in the end.

I still pray that things do turn out ok for them in the end. And I still love the people of that church. And I miss them, terribly. But I wouldn't go back. Though most of them were so good to me, for so long, the ones who weren't, even for a short time, sadly overshadow all of the good.

They have left me questioning all of the idealistic notions I once maintained about the church. They don't fit with the reality of what I've seen, and I don't know what to do with all of that. I can't figure out what it's really supposed to be, and even if I could, even if my new ideas are correct, I can't figure out if anyone is really doing church that way.

So I feel stuck. Stuck and sad.